There’s a question in your mind. You want to know who I am. But how can I tell you who I am when I don’t know who I am, and I bet you don’t know who you are either. We believe in a reflection called a mirror. But is there a mirror or a glass to see how others really see you. Because maybe they know you better than you know yourself. Or maybe not, because we hardly portray who we are to the world.
But then how can we ever see who we really are? Aren’t we an ever changing sphere, rotating in different axes trying to achieve the perfect balance. The equilibrium that we can call home. I used to be that way too. But each axis I stepped onto was lopsided and crooked and I kept losing whatever balance I was trying to gain. That’s when I realized that this was an absolute fucking joke. This life we value. This life we strive so hard to achieve and succeed. There is no end, only a never ending journey. And the balance, it doesn’t exist. It never did. Everything is broken in some way, every body is cracked in their own way.. and perfection may only be in the stars above, which we’ll never reach (at least not in this lifetime). But we can’t be certain of this.
So why fucking search for this non-existent balance, this myth. Why not be satisfied with the perfect disequilibrium that we are. Why not? It’s fun. Being cracked, being broken. If I was not broken, in anyway I doubt that I’ll be writing this. Why do I need to? Perfection needs nothing. It already has everything it needs. If I was perfect, I wouldn’t need you. I wouldn’t need all the things I have. I would need nothing. I could be nothing. For I am perfect.
To be nothing.. what does that sound like?
It sounds easy. Convince yourself, call it reverse engineering to reach perfection. Achieve the perfect disequilibrium to reach the goal of being nothing. If you are already nothing, then you achieved. Maybe that was the point all along. Learn to let go. Of everything. Because the end of a chapter is always looming, and there’s is no point after that because you have to assume a different identity in the next chapter. So maybe letting go is what we should be doing? Being nothing. Losing all sense and hope that we have.
Just.. letting.. go.
Wouldn’t you feel free?
Would you like to try?
I remember my body hitting the sand as I fell backwards. I remember making no move to get up. I remember the velvet of the midnight blue sky turning red. I remember the clouds forming faces laughing at me. I was on numb on a soft bed of sand. I was vulnerable. Yet I was free. Now I lived a free life, but I could never seek redemption inside my head. All my avenues of escape led me back to where I began, and which begrudgingly I learned to call my home.
Today the chaos has receded and the sweet smell of escape has overpowered me. It took hold of me and pushed me to the ground. Lightning coloured the sky for a few seconds. The world was turning. Life was changing. Reality became different and I took a step further than any other day. New perceptions were placed in my eyes, but the color was changing fast. I failed to catch nothing but a quick glimpse of what was in store for me. The shadows hung up the stars again and I was left alone on the sand by a thousand angels. I have never come this close to the light. I have never come so fucking close.
And then just as it had begun, it ended. Without warning everything was back to normal, back to plan, back to concept. I started to forget the little things that mattered. The little things. Only a matter of time till I forget how long just a little goes. I become what I hated once again. There is no cure for this. I am me again. A fucking monster.
It’s easier to live when nobody is watching.
And it’s been a while since I came back to where I really belong, although I deny myself of my existence. My reality. I need my inner peace, more than I thought I would. Opening the doors only brought in more violence to the mind, and for being a lover of peace, an apostle of harmony, I built up such a war inside.
I need this room to sit down, heal the battle wounds. The scars will remain but it will remind me everytime I look in the mirror, just where my journey took me and who I had become for 729 days. I don’t know if I would ever go back. I don’t know because sometimes it still haunts me and pulls me back a little closer to the past.
The beauty of this room cannot be expressed. People see the beauty, yet fail to understand its grandiosity. How important this room is. What unlimited potential it holds. Oh if only you could see. But the things I want to show you are not visible to the naked eye, my dear. And right now all you can see is all that is visible to the naked eye. Nothing less. Nothing more. But I say we keep it that way. I’ve got more to lose than you. And I’m not ready to lose any more.
I guess this is the end. Where it all begins.