Can you hear the lost symphony of an empty orchestra?
I ask the man in the mirror. He stares at me with the same expressionless expression, that I feel on my face. The numbness has made itself at home in my head. I was never at a loss for words. The thoughts still swim in my head, but I can never feel them they way I used to. An empty shell, an empty orchestra. De-tuned instruments. I was stuck. And stuckness felt like home. But I knew that I have to leave home if I was to ever grow up and claim my life.
I am condemned to be free in every way I possibly can. Yet I solicit all sorts of ways to flee and distance myself from this freedom. In my journey of a spiritual nexus, I have stopped and almost claimed myself unworthy for the journey. A part of me cannot comprehend why I do this to myself. I hate having to cope with the dark side of being me. Every thought, every feeling and every idea is fragile – and before i can grasp them and convert them into words so that I can better understand myself, an unsettling inertia sets in and I’m left back at the start, with nothing.
I need redemption from this prison I created. Freedom does not feel so free now. Everything that tasted sweet is tasteless now. There’s always a cloud looming over my head, waiting.. waiting to claim my thoughts. I’m consumed inside this dream.
I can’t feel anything anymore.