You wake up one day and realize you aren’t part of your life. Like you never belong to who you are. Your body is not, your frame of mind is not. There’s your life just living itself, and you are watching from the sidelines. Life starts to look extremely finite. You are running out of time. That brightness in the days that you used to see in your younger days have been clouded. The spaceship lights and merry-go-round dreams you believed in don’t seem real anymore.You can’t remember what the world used to look like, all you have are faint fragments of memory. Colourful, vivid yet faint.
You don’t really have anything. Everything seems empty, everything you brought so far in your journey. Only the memories matter. But everything around you feels so obsolete. You belong nowhere. You’re just using things for awhile. The inanimate world laughs at you. You could be leaving anytime soon. And everything around you will be staying, at least longer than you.
And you used to think that you were immortal. That time was a friend who’d always be on your side.
Sometimes, I wish we had just stopped and listened to the music.
We were young and she was willing.
Yet I still wonder what kept me from opening the door. In love’s brutal aftermath when memory is reinvented as pain, all you see is through a very crimson perspective and everything that once was becomes tainted in the memory. Sometimes I wonder what I’m saying, why I’m saying it. I wonder if I’m only trying to justify my actions. Or is it the truth? When you live a lie, you forget what the real truth is. The lie becomes your reality, hence your truth.
I still remember the way your soft smell lingered on my clothes, hours after I had left you. I still remember the last time I held your hand. No matter how much I hated you then, it was still hard to let go. Sometimes the cookie crumbles in funny ways, and this time I just wasn’t in the mood for a laugh. I moved onto better things, but I still can’t get my mind to deny what we had. Even through all the pain, I can’t change the fact that somewhere on a distant day, in a forgotten place in our hearts, you meant the world to me.
So I’ll love you in this moment, and hate you in the next. But please forgive my indecision, I’m only a man.